12:00 - Thursday 30th October - 2003

Neo-Aberdeen is about to explode!

* * * Starring in alphabetical order * * *

*** The Rules ***

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Assassins 2 Page

Assassins 3 Page

1st Assassination

Time of Kill: 12:15 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Ducky Fuzz
Assassin: The Black Goose
Location: Just inside her front door.
Weapon: Two water pistols
Witnesses: None
Description: The Black Goose was particularly lucky to be allocated Ducky Fuzz as his target, because she was lying asleep in his bed when he opened the envelope. Unfortunately the killing couldn't begin till 12:00, so the next morning he made sure they slept as late as possible, and then made cups of tea and chatted for a while about the perils of the day ahead. The Goose checked his watch at 12:00 sharp .. Ducky was putting on her coat in preparation to leave. 'What time is it?' he asked, holding two handguns in his pockets. "11:57" she replied. Not wanting to risk an assassination before 12:00, the Black Goose offered to escort Ducky Fuzz to her house. Furtively they crept out of the house, Ducky using her handmirror to look round corners for possible killers. The coast was clear - so they walked through town to Ducky's house. The Black Goose didn't want to attract any undue attention, so waited patiently until Ducky had opened her front door and took a step into her house. Only then did he pull out the two handguns and tapped her on the shoulder. Several shots in the face at point blank range made Ducky Fuzz the first casualty after only 15 minutes.

2nd Assassination

Time of Kill: 14:00 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Horrible Hippy Jon
Assassin: Kuriyama
Location: The street outside John Lewis
Weapon: Poison perfume
Witnesses: Several afternoon shoppers
Description: Kuriyama made sure she was out of her house before 12:00, and set out into town armed only with poisoned perfume and lipstick. After making some enquiries in local record shops about the whereabouts of her target Horrible Hippy Jon, she finally caught sight of him in the street. Breaking into a run, she caught up with the hippy and sprayed him with her poison perfume. Death followed swiftly, but at least he went into the next world smelling nice.

3rd Assassination

Time of Kill: 14:20 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: The Black Goose
Assassin: Kuriyama
Location: Henry J Beans
Weapon: Poison lipstick
Witnesses: The waiter (Flik)
Description: The Black Goose had decided to celebrate his first kill with lunch at Henry J Beans. His big mistake was sitting with his back to the front door. Fresh from killing Horrible Hippy Jon, Kuriyama had spotted him walking through town, and decided to look for him in Henry J's on a hunch. Just as the waiter set down The Black Goose's food on the table, Kiryama crept up beside him and planted a poison kiss on his cheek. Dismayed, the Goose fell forward, his face landing in his food, where it remained as his body convulsed in painful spasms. The oblivion of death came as a welcome release! Kuriyama stole the two handguns from the Black Goose's lifeless body. Police are mistakenly assuming that Henry J's food was the source of the poisoning.
Update: Henry J's have been cleared of any liability for Black Goose's death, in light of an internationally famous forensic expert's discovery of Kuryama's poison lipstick print

Failed Assassination Attempt 1

Full marks for dedication go to Bansky Bomber. Assigned to kill Loki, a target he had never seen nor heard of ... Bansky traveled to the suburbs of Neo-Aberdeen with the intention of terminating him. It was only when he had infiltrated Loki's secret compound, that he discovered that the elusive assassin had fled to Edinburgh for the day. Needless to say, Bansky was less than thrilled.

4th Assassination

Time of Kill: 21:00 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Hel
Assassin: Lilith
Location: Cinema Steps
Weapon: Poison lipstick AND poison gas
Witnesses: ????????
Description: Reports just coming in that Hel has been assassinated by Lilith on an ill timed trip to the cinema - a kiss of death and gas were involved. More details as they arrive .....

5th Assassination

Time of Kill: 21:40 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Lilith
Assassin: Kuriyama
Location: Henry J's
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: ????????
Description: Things moving too quick to update - the seemingly unstoppable Kuriyama has struck again ... gunned down Lilith in Henry J's. Again details are sketchy at time of writing.

6th Assassination

Time of Kill: 21:50 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Pussycat Killer
Assassin: Tangy Kick
Location: Tangy Kick and Smiling Death's house.
Weapon: Water raygunl
Witnesses: Little Emma
Description: Seemingly Pussycat Killer & Emma were visiting Smiling Death, but Pussycat hadn't banked on being Tangy Kick's target. Just as they climbed the stairwell of the building, Tangy emerged from her doorway brandishing a deadly water raygun and Zzzzapped Pussycat Killer. This high tech weapon could stop an elephant in mid-charge, and poor pussycat was sent tumbling to the bottom of the stairs, where she twitched a bit, and kinda died.

7th Assassination

Time of Kill: 21:55 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Caveboy
Assassin: Tangy Kick
Location: Tangy Kick and Smiling Death's house.
Weapon: Electrocution
Witnesses: Pincess, Little Emma / Smiling Death / Princess
Description: Rifling through Pussycat Killer's possessions, Tangy Kick discovered the identity of P.K's next target - Caveboy ... who (after a chance visit to pick up a CD) was sitting unindustriously listening to music and smoking in their flat. Locking all the doors to prevent any chance of escape, Tangy carefully connected a wire between the electric socket and poor Caveboy. Upon flicking the switch, Caveboy gave out a moan, and gave up the ghost!

8th Assassination

Time of Kill: 22:30 - Thursday 30th October
Victim: Smiling Death
Assassin: Kuriyama
Location: Tangy Kick and Smiling Death's house.
Weapon: Shooting
Witnesses: Smiling Death / Little Emma / Tangy Kick
Description: Ok, I might have got this wrong from the rushed telephone message - seems that ... wait for it ... Kuriyama ... turned up at Tangy Kick and Smiling Death's flat. She lied her way in - but Smiling Death didn't trust her at all, and locked himself in the bathroom. Kuriyama said she needed to go to the bathroom too - so Smiling Death insisted in going through to his room and barricading the door. My understanding is that when Kuriyama came out of the bathroom she kicked down Smiling Death's door and shot him dead when he was cowering on the floor (though he describes it as a Ned Kellyesque death) - whatever next?

Reflection on Day 1

It's 04:00 and there has been no further violence for approximately six hours. I'm thinking it's safe to assume everybody has retired to bed. It's been a day of extreme bloodshed, 8 lives lost for reasons we can only guess at. The star of the day has been Kuriyama, heartlessly hunting down no less than four targets throughout the day, but nobody should underestimate Tangy Kick, who polished off two of her victims without even leaving her house. The game however is far from over. 11 Assassins are still at large ... who knows what cunning plans they are hatching even at this moment. And tomorrow is Halloween ... with so many parties it's almost certain that the bodycount will be significantly higher within the next 24 hours. Stay posted.

9th Assassination

Time of Kill: 12:45 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Smelly Head
Assassin: Antoinette
Location: Gray's School of Art Textile Dept
Weapon: Poison Gas
Witnesses: Claire Bull (sculpture student)
Description: Is the female of the species really deadlier than the male? Well so it would seem - as we now have confirmed reports that Art Student and part time Assassin 'Smelly Head' was a victim of a poison gas attack in the early hours of this morning. Fellow students were rushed to hospital, but it would appear that the fast acting nerve gas has only brought about one fatality. Her killer Antoinette, a self confessed 'easy target' is still at large. Members of the public are advised to stay indoors and call the police immediately if they smell anything suspicious and gaslike.

Failed Assassination Attempt 2

Truth it would seem, can often be stranger than fiction. The courteous and polite English Pete tracked down Princess, but was dismayed to find her walking with a group of her friends. Fearing that eliminating her infront of her comrades might arouse her anger, Pete decided to pass on this opportunity and wait for a more appropriate moment. The moment never came, because Pete became a victim of Assassinatron shortly afterwards. Proof if needed that a degree of ruthlessness is a prerequisite to be a successful killer.

10th Assassination

Time of Kill: 18:15 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Pete
Assassin: Assassinatron
Location: Vodka Bar
Weapon: Poison Kiss
Witnesses: A whole bunch of people - (wish I'd seen this one)
Description: The elusive Pete was drinking in Vodka bar with friends. Assassinatron saw him, borrowed some poison lipstick, and planted the kiss of death on his cheek. Glasses were sent shattering as Pete thrashed around in agony before collapsing under the table. Assassinatron attempted to look innocent in his lipstick.

11th Assassination

Time of Kill: 18:40 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Kuriyama
Assassin: Antoinette
Location: Antoinette's doorstep
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: Nobody
Description: Despite a COMPLETELY ILLEGAL TIPOFF (grrrrr!!) to Bansky Bomber to tell him he was next on Kuriyama's target list, Kuriyama set off to Antoinette's house - he was due to be there later in the evening, and she planned to lie in wait for him. Unfortunately Antoinette had been assigned to kill Kuriyama. Well aware of what a deadly assassin she was dealing with, Antoinette took no chances and blew Kuriyama's head off with a water pistol the moment she appeared on her front door.

12th Assassination

Time of Kill: 18:40 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Bansky Bomber
Assassin: Antoinette
Location: Antoinette's doorstep
Weapon: Poison Lipstick
Witnesses: Nobody
Description: Bansky Bomber was particularly jumpy when he arrived at Antoinette's because due to a COMPLETELY ILLEGAL TIPOFF (grrrrr!!), he knew that Kuriyama was after him. However Antoinette had just killed Kuriyama and now it was her job to terminate Bansky Bomber. Upon turning up on her doorstep, she planted a friendly but poisonus kiss on his cheek. "Kuriyama's trying to kill me" he lamented .... Antoinette planted another kiss on his other cheek - it was then that the chilling irony of his own assassination dawned on him, and he died several minutes later in mortal agony on the doorstep.

13th Assassination

Time of Kill: 19:45 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Tangy Kick
Assassin: Greased Orphansbr> Location: Tangy Kick's Flat
Weapon: Parcel balloon bomb
Witnesses: ?????
Description: Greased Orphans turned up at Tangy Kick's flat (used to share with Smiling Death before he was gunned down yesterday). Leill brought a beautiful parcel round with him, and assured her that it was a gift to apologise for all the times he'd been horribly drunk in her flat, and passed out on her floor. Sadly enough the gift turned out to be a bomb, and poor Tangy Kick was reduced to a pattern on the wallpaper and a pair of smoking shoes.
Update: Forensic teams searching through the aftermath of the explosion at Tangy Kick & Smiling Death's flat have found this spine tinglingly insane letter. The text reads as follows:

I adore your style!
Falling down my Well Of Deception like that
(may I suggest you spiral helplessly a slight more?)
I dug it WITH the MOST
of red herrings
I find that merely perfidious ones dont quite deliver
All Because...
Your BETRAYAL isn't as satisfying
without this long,

Forensics also report the balloon bomb to be the work of an explosives professional. An elaborate mechanism of elastic, pins and ribbons causing the balloon to detonate the moment Tangy Kick attempted to unwrap her deadly gift.

14th Assassination

Time of Kill: 22:00 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Assassinatron
Assassin: Greased Orphans
Location: Tangy Kick's Flat
Weapon: Water pistol
Witnesses: None
Description: Like a big blonde honeypot in a swarm of bees - Greased Orphans didn't have to do much stalking, as most of the other assassins had arranged to attend a secret Halloween gathering in Tangy Kick and Smiling Death's now bombed out flat. As Eggatron climbed the stairs, Greased Orphans lay in wait on an upper landing, and (with unforgivable cowardice) shot Assassinatron in the back of the head with water pistol - leaving a Buckfast bottle sized exit wound in his face.

15th Assassination

Time of Kill: 23:00 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Princess
Assassin: Greased Orphans
Location: Tangy Kick's Flat
Weapon: Three poison smarties in her drink
Witnesses: Anybody still alive in the flat
Description: Probably best to hear about this in the assassin's own words - from a transcript of his report back to the secret masters. "(still at Tangy Kick and Smiling Death's), had stand off with Princess (she knew i was gona kill her, it was prolonged & stressy).. Placed 3 red smarties in her drink as an afterthought (just may as well yknow), she drank it unexpectedly and then kicked me in the balls.. We had made a deal that she could kill her target.. I agreed but secretly thought to wait till she was about to make her move, then kill her and immediately dispatch her quarry (whom would be easy to spot, following Princess' murderous designs).. Sadly my casual homicidal proficiency prevented me being a total cock" .... a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a killer if ever there was one.

16th Assassination

Time of Kill: 23:35 - Friday 31st October
Victim: Antoinette
Assassin: Greased Orphans
Location: Tangy Kick's Flat
Weapon: Terrifying Poison Kiss
Witnesses: Anybody still alive in the flat
Description: Again you can hear it straight from the horses mouth - another transcript of what was sadly to be Greased Orphans' final report ... "Failed to blow up Antoinette with balloon under carpet... Resorted to smothering her with poison kisses instead.. i felt cheap... Yet exhilarated with my newfound taste for wanton death".
Update: Security cameras within the building picked up this terrifying image of Greased Orphans, mere seconds after delivering the fatal kiss of death!

17th Assassination

Time of Kill: 00:30?? - Saturday 1st November
Victim: Greased Orphans
Assassin: G-Spot
Location: Moshulu
Weapon: ??????
Witnesses: Countless Halloween revelers
Description: By this point there were only 3 assassins left - Greased Orphans, G-Spot and Loki. Everybody was going to Moshulu, so the stage was set for a three-way showdown. Greased Orphans was packing enough heat to start a one man World War 3, and began to search through the club (which was packed out with fancy dressed clubbers oblivious to the deadly game which was unfolding in their midst). Greased Orphans was hell bent on hunting down the elusive Loki (who had been away in Edinburgh a until this evening thus sidestepping the carnage of the previous 36 hours) ... but before he tracked him down, a cross dressing G-Spot emerged from the crowd and blew him away with a water pistol. Tragic!

18th Assassination

Time of Kill: 001:00?? - Saturday 1st November
Victim: Matt
Assassin: Loki
Location: Moshulu
Weapon: ??????
Witnesses: Countless Halloween revelers
Description: I really don't know anything about how this happened, but I heard that Loki shot Matt, making him the last man standing - and WINNER OF THE GAME!!!!


1st: Greased Orphans (Liell) - 4 Kills
2nd: Kuriyama (Jo) - 4 Kills
3rd: Antoinette (Sheena) - 3 Kills
4th: Katie (Tangy Kick) - 2 Kills
5th: Loki (Jamie) - 1 Kill
6th: G-Spot (Matt) - 1 Kill
7th: Assassinatron (Eggatron) - 1 Kill
8th: Lilith (Keava) - 1 Kill
9th: The Black Goose (Jimsin) - 1 Kill

Winner was defined as last person alive .... so Loki is the official winner of Assassins (Game 1). **Fireworks**
Coolest Person was defined as assassin who made most kills ... this honour has to be shared by Kuriyama and Greased Orphans. Kuriyama was particularly impressive for her ruthless seek and destroy spree ... culminating in the kicking down of Smiling Death's door. Greased Orphans's enthusiasm for killing was equally impressive - as were his carefuly crafted assassinations including home made bomb.

Many thanks to everybody who took part and made this all so much fun - everybody was wonderful! And special thanks to Laserbeak Mistress of Murder for assigning the targets and keeping a watchful eye.

Keep in touch for news of the new improved Assassins 2 - which should be hitting the streets in late November with new rules including a points system, 'miraculous escapes' and many more weapons. It's a jungle out there!