12:00 - Friday 13th February - 2004

Neo Aberdeen is exploding again!

* * * Starring - In order of deadlyness * * *

*** The Rules ***

Report Assassination Details

Assassins 1 Page

Assassins 3 Page

Assassins 4 Page

Assassins 5 Page

1st Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 16:15 - Friday 13th February 2004
Victim: Lokie
Assassin: Remy Le Beau
Location: Presents
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: ????
Description: Reports are just coming in - but seemingly Lokie - the only survivor of last year's carnage was the first to die. Witnesses report that Remy Le Beau turned up at Presents Piercing Parlour and an epic gun battle ensued - though anticipating the attack, Lokie was killed in a hail of bullets. Details to follow.

2nd Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 18:15 - Friday 13th February 2004
Victim: Kurohi
Assassin: Remy Le Beau
Location: Kurohi's Kitchen
Weapon: Water Pistol (?)
Witnesses: ????
Description: Again, details sketchy - but the stylish assassin Kurohi has been found shot dead in his own kitchen ... Remy Le Beau was seen leaving the building.

3rd Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 20:45 - Friday 13th February 2004
Victim: Otter Girl
Assassin: The Lady
Location:Slains Castle Bar
Weapon: Poison Gas
Witnesses: Startled pub customers
Description: From the Lady herself: After doing some investigative work earlier in the day to find out when the target was going to be at one of her regular haunts i went back to 'Slain's Castle' later in the evening to stalk my target. Having left my house unarmed i cunningly manged to aquire a crossbow and poison gas free of charge from some associates. I felt that the more subtle aproach of gas was more appropriate so not to cause a scene in front of innocent pub customers. Luckily there was just enough gas left in my almost empty poison gas canister to be deadly to the victim Otter Girl, killed at 8.45pm behind the bar in Slain's castle. The target eluded me for some time as she had spied me. I taunted her by sitting drinking irn bru on a tall bar stool and pretending to use my phone, she clearly suspected me but obviously was not a good enough shot with her water pistol which i later found at the scene (tucked behind the bar).

4th Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 22:05 - Friday 13th February 2004
Victim: The Sweetcorn Fisherman
Assassin: Cindy Lou Whoo
Location: Union Street
Weapon: Water Pistol (?)
Witnesses: ????
Description: Reports arriving of the most blatant and public slaying to date - the poor Sweetcorn Fisherman had just finished work, and was heading for the chipshop, when he was Ambushed on Union Street by Cindy Lou Whoo - who blew his brains out with one shot to the temple at point blank range.

1st Avoided Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 22:50 - Friday 13th February 2004
Victim: Matchstick Girl
Assassin: Madame Butterfly
Location: Madame Butterfly's
Weapon: Pellet Gun (?)
Witnesses: ????
Description: Matchstick girl arrived at Madame Butterfly's with the intention of assassinating her - a deadly cat and mouse game ensued - but Madame Butterfly was hiding behind a door and blew the unfortunate Matchstick Girl away. NB: WHOEVER WAS CONTRACTED TO KILL MATCHSTICK GIRL MUST NOW KILL MADAME BUTTERFLY INSTEAD!!!! WE ARE WORKING ON CONTACTING YOU BY TXT WITHOUT BLOWING YOUR COVER!!

5th Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 23:30 - Friday 13th February 2004
Victim: Colon Commander
Assassin:Dick Dastardly's Dog
Location:Laura's Flat
Weapon: Paralysis Poison AND Electrocution (?)
Witnesses: ????
Description: Details still very sketchy on this one - but seems that Dick Dastardly's Dog poisoned the Colon Commander's drink with a paralysis drug - then calmly electrocuted him while he was unable to move. Once again it's a case of details to follow - watch this space.

6th Assassination

Time of Kill: Around 00:45 - Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Haelcat
Assassin:Madame Butterfly
Location:At the foot of the Moshulu Toilet Steps
Weapon:Pellet Gun
Witnesses: Happy Clubbers
Description: Madame Butterfly came out of nowhere ... shooting Haelcat in the back with her deadly pellet gun! Haelcat attempted to defend herself, before realising she was already dead. Then Madame Butterfly vanished back into the night from whence she came.

1st Accidental Killing

Time of Kill: Around 01:45 - Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Ditzy Death
Assassin:Dick Dastardly's Dog
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Chilled Out Clubbers
Description: This was ridiculous .... Dick Dastardly's Dog turned up in Moshulu and began to enthuse to Ditzy Death about how he had just killed The Colon Commander - Ditzy Death was struck by the fact that DDD seemed unconcerned that he might be his assassin, and to prove a point Ditzy Death held a gun to DDD's head. "Are you not slightly worried that I could be your Assassin?" he asked. DDD responded immediately by blowing a hole in Ditzy Death's stomach. Since the angelic, innocent Ditzy Death was not his hunter, DDD was expelled from the assassin's ring (hehe) ... NB: WHOEVER WAS HUNTING DICK DASTARDLY'S DOG NOW HAS A NEW TARGET - YOU WILL BE CONTACTED ASAP.

1st Inquisition Termination

Time of Kill: 13:00 Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Dick Dastardly's Dog
Assassin:Inquisition Member 006 (Formerly known as Colon Commander)
Location:Inquisition Headquarters
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Inquisition Members 004, 007 and 008
Description: Question: You are a renegade assassin, you are being hunted down by the undead members of the inquisition - where do you sleep? Answer: In the case of Dick Dastardly's Dog - he chose to sleep in a building which he knew would be full of Inquisition members when he woke up. He could have tried to fight his way out - but it's assumed that after being expelled from the assassin's ring (hehe) he recognized the hopelessness of his situation - because he was found riddled with bullets, and hadn't fired a shot in his own defence.

7th Assassination

Time of Kill: Mid Afternoon, Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Noble Haddockman
Assassin:Cindy Lou Whoo
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Startled Shoppers
Description: Even the bloodiest conflicts have moments of humanity - In World War One there was football between the trenches on Xmas day, before returning to Boxing day slaughter. And Having established that neither was out to kill the other, Cindy Lou Whoo and Madame Butterfly set out on a shopping expedition - but it was a deadly spree ... Cindy Lou disguised as a little Ned Boy - her target - The Noble Haddockman!!! Maybe a full description will follow - but in the meantime here's an excerpt from the prolific Madame Butterfly's journal:

I've had a great day :) Woke up fairly gently and went out to purchase a superior water pistol before going to meet ...... Cindy Lou Whoo at Retro's for shopping goodness. I was also able to relax a bit because a truce had been negotiated beforehand. So we wandered about town keeping an eye out for other assassins. Cindy Lou Whoo had very cleverly disguised herself as a 15 year old ned boy. So fiendishly successful was this facade she managed to fool Noble Haddockman who was watching a bank of monitors in his secret shelter. This mistake needless to say cost him his life. After a most satisfying day, we made our way back to ...... Cindy Lou Whoo's flat but were disturbed to find Indykid had found us. Cindy Lou Whoo and I bolted down a stairwell and ran for safety. Indykid gave chase but we had craftily hidden behind a cellar door. While Cindy Lou Whoo scouted out the area, I guarded the doorway the only thing between us and an early demise. Once the coast was clear, we made our escape and found sanctuary. Its nearly 22.00 and before this night is over there will be many a bloodied corpse in the madhouse that is Moshulu. Let the massacre begin!

8th Assassination

Time of Kill: Late Afternoon - Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Remy Le Beau
Assassin:Cindy Lou Whoo
Location:Cindy Lou's (?)
Weapon:Paralysis Poison and Poison Kiss
Witnesses: Ticket Girl
Description: The perfect Valentine murder ... Remy Le Beau was visiting his sweetheart Cindy Lou Whoo - unaware that Cindy Lou had been contracted to assassinate him - and the orders of the Assassins Ring must be obeyed at all costs. Cindy Lou dropped a green capsule into his drink - and while he was paralysed and at her mercy - she finished him off with a long, lingering poison kiss. Reports that Remy le Beau died smiling have neither been confirmed nor denied.

9th Assassination

Time of Kill: Late Afternoon - Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Anarchitect
Location:Stickboy's Car
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: None
Description: Stickboy turned up at Anarchitect's to give him a lift across town ... Anarchitect was suspicious ... and insisted on frisking Stickboy for weapons. Only when he was absolutely certain that Stickboy was unarmed did he agree to get into the car - unfortunately he hadn't counted on Stickboy having a weapon in the car - just as soon as he'd done up his seatbelt, Anarchitect looked up to find himself staring down the barrel of a waterpistol - the water entered his just between his eyes, leaving a massive exit wound, shattering the glass on the passenger door, and splattering the inside of Stickboy's car with blood and brain. Stickboy drove off quickly in search of Mr Wolf.

10th Assassination

Time of Kill: 23:00 Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Comedy Ninja Maverick
Assassin:The Button Man
Location:Moshulu Entrance
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Ticket Girl
Description: Few details for this one - but The Button Man arrived at Moshulu, armed to the teeth and cunningly disguised as some sort of devil thing. Comedy Ninja Maverick was unlucky enough to be queuing for a ticket infront of him - but the only ticket he got was a one way ticket to hell. The Button Man stepped over his corpse and pushed his way into the club.

11th Assassination

Time of Kill: ??? Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim: Stickboy
Assassin:Cindy Lou Whoo
Location:Laserbeak's Pad
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: ???
Description: Description to follow.

12th Assassination

Time of Kill: 23:00 Saturday 14th February 2004
Victim:The Button Man
Assassin:The Lady
Location:Xenophon DJ Booth
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Inquisition Member 008 and Jo
Description: From The Lady's journal:

Though in cunning (silly) disguise The Button Man was not to escape his cruel fate (just before his birthday). One would have thought The Lady was a sitting duck (with sitting goose Jimsin) in the little DJ booth........but NO calmly and collectedly - after The Button Man had carelessly been chatting to the goosely one (Zombie Ditzy Death) - she mercilessly shot him in the face with ease .......strangely his twitching body somehow fired at her for a good few minutes after the kill though she was not badly wounded.

13th Assassination

Time of Kill: 01:00(?) Sunday 15th February 2004
Assassin:Cindy Lou Whoo
Location:Xenophon Valentine Lovefest
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Many Xenophiles
Description: From a horrified onlooker:

Indykid knew something was going to happen - he looked kinda nervy ... on edge. Even more so than usual. Then, all of a sudden, Little Cindy Lou Whoo came walking up to him ... he looked up - there was a moment of recognition from Indykid - but no moment of hesitation from Cindy Lou as she blew his brains all over the wall.

14th Assassination

Time of Kill: 01:30 Sunday 15th February 2004
Victim: Cindy Lou Whoo
Assassin:The Lady
Location:Xenophon Valentine Lovefest
Weapon:Water Pistol
Witnesses: Many Xenophiles
Description: The St Valentines day massacre was well underway, and the next to shuffle off their mortal coil was the small but deadly Cindy Lou Whoo - who's reign of terror had already claimed five young lives. Again we ha we have an excerpt from The Lady's journal:

As the Lady multi-tasked (killing, dj-ing, giving out cookies....) she noticed her new target enter the building but could do nothing (as she was adjusting the sound controls) .....her target was off to make a kill (Indykid). When relieved briefly from her duties she calmly walked over to where Cindy Lou Whoo was sitting. The Lady - with her weapon cunningly concealed by box of heart-shaped biscuits (bit like the bit with the cereal box in KILL BILL) again mercilessly shot her in the face several times and then offered her a cookie.

15th Assassination

Time of Kill: 02;00(?)Sunday 15th February 2004
Victim:The Awkward Silencer
Assassin:The Lady
Location:Xenophon Valentine Lovefest
Witnesses: Many Xenophiles
Description: Having disposed of one of her major rivals, The Lady turned her attentions to The Awkward Silencer. Much had been anticipated of this evil killer, who was known for his creative ruthlessness - but sadly he did not live up to expectations - he didn't live full stop. Again from The Lady's journal:

Still feeling like a sitting duck the lady snuck out of her little booth one again and proceeded swiftly to her next target . . . . .Awkward Silencer stood in a gangley fashion mindlessly unaware of his fate as The Lady positioned her cross bow ........the arrow hit and he fell dramaticly to the floor with much laughter from all around ....

An Expulsion

Skullgirl having done absolutely nothing at all - was formally expelled from the Assassin's Ring (hehe) at 12 Noon on Saturday 15th February 2004.


The St Valentines day Massacre was over - only The Lady, Madame Butterfly and Skullgirl were still alive - and Skullgirl's inactivity had earned her renegade status. The Lady knew that to win she must kill Madame Butterfly ... Madame Butterfly couldn't win - but was fuelled by bloodlust and wasn't let that going to stop her killing the Lady - and living to fight another day. From Madame Butterfly's Journal: I reached the door of her hideout and pressed the bell. There was a quick twitch of the curtains before the door creaked open slowly. I had a choice of two weapons: the pellet gun which would have provided me with more points or "Old Reliable" my trusty water pistol. The Lady made a valiant attempt to beat me to the punch but alas met her watery doom on her very own doorstep.... Then, it was over.

Another report from a close associate of both parties:

Madame Butterfly arrived on the Lady's doorstep (the Lady had prempted this and peeked out of the window to see who it was .......she had considered preparing but as an associate said 'she was tired and jaded and death seemed like it might be appealing to her, she could have dropped the piano out of the top window, bought a better gun, got her mother to answer the door whilst she stood on a chair behind it and dropped an anvil on Madame Butterfly's head *sigh*' So the lady decided to go out with diginity and not hide but come out to fight.....it seems Madame Butterfly still had that zest for killing even with a hangover Her beau reported her saying before she left 'i'm going to go out and kill The Lady' So with superior weapon and superior enthusiam and skill she shot the Lady (still in pjs) in the face.

2nd Inquisition Termination

Time of Kill: 14:00 Thursday 19th February 2004
Victim: Skullgirl
Assassin:Inquisition Member 001 (Formerly known as Lokie)
Location:Aberdeen University
Weapon:Poison Lipstick
Witnesses: ???
Description: Description to follow.

In Conclusion

Soooo ... it's all over. Congratulations to Cindy Lou Whoo for chalking up the highest bodycount in the history of the game. You are the grand champion of Assassins 2, and your victory was well deserved. Madame Butterfly lives to fight another day - and could become the most successful Assassin yet, should she choose to return for the next instalment.

Many thanks to everybody who took part - to those who weren't playing but joined in the fun anyway - and especial thanks to Laserbeak Mistress of Murder for selflessly organizing the contracts, and being woken up in the middle of the night with requests to contact assassins with updated target info.

I hope that everybody had at least as much fun as I did - and that you'll all consider returning for Assassins 3 in June 2004.

I'll be doing a few updates to this page over the next few days - including photographs and forensic evidence (If I can find any) - so check back from time to time if you can be bothered. But that's about it for now :(

WE GOT A (Posthumous) WINNER!!!

01st Cindy Lou Whoo ... 74 (5 kills)
02nd Madame Butterfly ..53 (3 kills)
03rd The Lady ... 46 (4 kills)
04th Remy Le Beau ... 22 (2 kills)
05th The Button Man ... 12 (1 kill)
06th Stickboy ... 12 (1 kill)
07th Skullgirl ... 4
08th Awkward Silencer ... 2
09th Indykid ... 2
10th Comedy Ninja Maverick ... 2
11th Anarchitect ... 2
12th Noble Haddockman ... 2
13th Dick Dastardly's Dog ... 2 (2 kills - but one accidental)
14th Colon Commander ... 2 (1 kill as Inquisition Member)
15th Lokie ... 2(1 kill as Inquisition Member)
16th Ditzy Death ... 0
17th Haelcat ... 0
18th Matchstick Girl ... 0
19th Sweetcorn Fisherman ... 0
20th Otter Girl ... 0
21st Kurohi ... 0