** Report Assassination Details **

First Kill
Time of Kill: 17:20 Thursday 26th March 2009
Victim: Kitty Cut-Throat
Killer: Dellamorte
Location: The Doorway of Retro Rebels
Weapon: ????
Witnesses: ???
Description: From the unfinished memoires of Dellamorte: While having a brief chat with some co-workers, a flurry of movement caught my eye, and I spotted Kitty Cut-Throat peeking at me from behind a wall of rainbow hoisery. As anyhardened assassin would do, I grabbed my trusty gas canister and charged in that direction, shouting at a frenchman with a lot of facial piercings to tell me where she went. She'd left through one door, presumbably to try and sneak up behind me by coming through the other. We reached the door at the same time, causing a few minutes of stalemate, during which she attempted to shoot me through the keyhole. Eventually, sick of this stand-off, and still using the door as a shield from the deadly water held in her pistol, I yanked it open just wide enough for my hand and gas can to fit through, polishing her off with a short blast to the face. She tried in vain to retaliate, but it was too late. In my defense, it was in my defense, and I wish her the best of luck in the next life.

Failed Attempt
Time of Attempt: Delivered Mid-Afternoon, Thursday 26th March 2009
Target: Kitty Cut-Throat
Assassin: Dellamorte
Location: The Home of Kitty Cut-throat
Weapon: Glamthrax
Witnesses: n/a
Description: They say the first rule of Glamthrax is Do Not Lick The Envelope. The second rule of Glamthrax is that it must not arouse suspicion. Arriving home to an envelope greeting you on your doormat is pretty conspicuous, especially knowing that someone is out to get you. A motive for opening the envelope had to be manufactured, curiosity alone wouldn't kill the cat. So in a diabolically fiendish plan hatched like a perfect crystal cut diamond in the mind of of Calamity James, a fiction was created. Everyone loves kitty-cats, right? Staking out the road and surrounding areas of the Miss Cut-Throat's home a blitz of propaganda was strung up. On every lamp-post, post box and street corner for four roads there appeared a poster: "LOST CAT - If you have any details please contact us - REWARD OFFERED!". The poster was pushed through the door of Kitty Cut Throat's home hoping it would pique her interest along with a sealed envelope claiming to contain further details of this non-existent cat which, in actual fact, contained the deadly Glamthrax. It's just a shame that within hours of the plan's orchestration Kitty was already dead, slain by her own victim's hand. (Also attached is photographic evidence of the Hoax Missing Cat posters out in the wild, and a facsimile copy of the envelope and letter which was laced with deadly glamthrax)

Second Kill
Time of Kill: 19:35 Thursday 26th March 2009
Victim: Sitting Duck
Killer: Eskimo Kiss
Location: Belmont Street
Weapon: Water Rifle
Witnesses: Lots of Late Night Shoppers
Description: Sitting Duck had been tasked with killing Eskimo Kiss within 48 hours. In order to do this, he knew it would be necessary to catch her outdoors. Using all the cunning that his birdbrain could muster, Sitting Duck set up a fake email account in the name of one of Eskimo Kiss' friends and sent a request to meet that evening for a meal.
Initially Eskimo Kiss fell for the bait, and it was arranged to meet at 7:15pm outside Slain's Castle. Sitting Duck secluded himself in the shadows and waited for his target to walk past. He waited patiently for some 15 minutes, but by 7:30pm assumed that she wouldn't be coming.
Meanwhile, Eskimo kiss had phoned her friend about the meal, only to discover that she knew nothing about the plan. Realising that foul play was afoot, she decided to turn up late to the rendezvous weapon in hand.
By 19:35 the frustrated duck decided to have one final look up Belmont Street before going home. Half way up he encountered Eskimo Kiss on her way down. They caught sight of each other simultaneously and had their weapons drawn in an instant.
Running towards each other and firing wildly, Eskimo Kiss cites her zig-zagging skills as what caused her to emerge victorious. Despite frantic water squirting action, the hapless Duck was hit in the head and died instantly.
*note - whoever was hunting Sitting Duck is now hunting Eskimo Kiss*

Third Kill
Time of Kill: 20:00 Thursday 26th March 2009
Victim: Vanity Kills
Killer: Omega Phoenix
Location: Vanity Kill's Mansion
Weapon: Water Deringer
Witnesses: None
Description: VANITY KILLED! .. found in her bedroom slumped over her laptop with a single bulletwound to the back of the head ... details to follow.

Standings - Day 1:

  • 1st: Omega Phoenix - 10 points

  • 2nd: Dellamorte - 5 points

  • 3rd: Eskimo Kiss - 5 points

A great start to Assassins V - not only were there three kills, but there have also been reports of a couple of ingenious but sadly failed assassination attempts throughout the day. More info and supporting documents will be made available once the confidentiality has been lifted.
It would be great to have detailed accounts of all the assassinations, so please take a few minutes to email these to me for inclusion on the website. Photos / Videos of any evidence would also be most welcome to help make the site a more memorable tribute to all your efforts.

Good luck for Day 2!

Fourth & Fifth Kill
Time of Kill: 07:45 Friday 27th March 2009
Victim: Root Manouver & Eskimo Kiss
Killer: Rotten Cotton Candy
Location: Roots Manouvers' Hideout
Weapon: Fridge
Witnesses: None
Description: From The Rotten Journal: at 7.45 am Rotten Cotton Candy left the Cornhill area where she secretly resides . . .
the early bird catches the worm they do say . . . a new target had arisen after her previous had been killed only too soon to die agonisingly in his sleep by virture of the voodoo doll she had planted
disguised as The Inspector in a dirty old smelly old duvet like tan coloured corderoy jacket with glasses and hat she infiltrated the Jamaica Street Building via the services button after first trying the back door.
Sweating heavily with glasses steaming she tried to convince her dead friend Kitty Cut-Throat to open the door just because it would be lovely to see her - you know? but to no avail - Kitty wanted nothing to do with her friend's innocent visit
......so other tactics were employed........suspicious that she was the target of Roots Manouver she was extra careful
sweat dripping down her neck she hung around the upper stairwell fridge in hand to drop and poison gas at the ready
eventually the cat was let out and Roots Manouver came up the stairs pistol a sprayin......unfortunately it was too weak to hit Ms Candy and she defended herself by lobbing a fridge at him.(8.31am)
his dying words explained that he had not been contracted to kill her but that he thought that he was Ms Candy's target
Ms Candy gleefully scamped through to Kitty's bedroom and dropped that same fridge on Eskimo kiss's head several times making her very very dead also (8.33am)

Sixth Kill
Time of Kill: 13:05 Friday 27th March 2009
Victim: Dellamorte
Killer: Calamity James
Location: Retro Rebels
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: None
Description: Still cursing from losing a kill to his victim's victim, Calamity James was determined to avenge Kitty Cut-Throat and gain revenge for a kill that was rightfully his. Hatching a plan he contacted Dellamorte under the pretence of bargaining for information about another Assassin. The information was irrelevant, as the fact that Dellamorte would be at work tomorrow was successfully gleamed from her. Realising he had already left himself open to suspicion Calamity James knew the kill would have to be fast. At just past the stroke of one o' clock the door of Retro Rebels was opened and with barely enough time to react a single deadly shot was fired at Dellamorte.

Seventh Kill
Time of Kill: 17:00 Friday 27th March 2009
Victim: Sumo Satsuma
Killer: The Inspector
Location: Number One's
Weapon: Water Pistol?
Witnesses: ???
Description: A master of disguise - nobody would have suspected the kindly, old moustached gentleman in the golfwear as being non-other than THE INSPECTOR!!! ( photographic evidence )
After ordering a pint of guinness at Aberdeen's stylish Number One's bar, The Inspector settled down to await the arrival of Sumo Satsuma - who's undercover job involved pretending to be a hostess.
The Inspector had received a tip-off about when she would be arriving, and the betrayal proved accurate. Sumo Satsuma arrived right on time, and was greeted by a watery blast from the Inspector's weapon.

Eighth Kill
Time of Kill: 17:10 Friday 27th March 2009
Victim: Barracuda
Killer: The Lady Dorma
Location: A Bus Stop?
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: ???
Description: Barracuda - survivor of last year's carnage met a sticky end today - more later.

Ninth Kill
Time of Kill: 18:30 Friday 27th March 2009
Victim: Weapon XXX
Killer: Omega Phoenix
Location: Lady Kerosene's Estate
Weapon: Bomb
Witnesses: ???
Description: Weapon XXX had drawn something of a short straw - killing out-of-towner Omega Phoenix during his stay at the high security Kerosene Estate was well-night mission impossible.
After 24 hours of surveillance and infiltration attempts he finally found his way in through a doorway which had been pushed open by a gust of wind.
Hearing the voices of Lady Kerosene and Omega Phoenix in the Lady's boudoir - Weapon XXX's sense of social decency held him back from making an immediate assault, and he chose to play the waiting game - lurking in the spacious kitchen with water pistols primed.
Unbeknown to Weapon XXX, Kerosene and Phoenix had rigged up an impressive booby trap around the bedroom door. The slightest pressure being enough to trigger a deadly blast of high airxplosive.
Time waits for no man ... and by 18:30 Weapon XXX tired of lying in wait - with a purposeful stride, he made the way to the boudoir door and kicked it open. The airsplosive detonated instantly leaving only a couple of smoking shoes in the doorway.
*note - whoever was hunting Weapon XXX is now hunting Omega Phoenix*

Tenth Kill
Time of Kill: 22:30 ? Friday 27th March 2009
Victim: Omega Phoenix
Killer: The Lady Dorma
Location: The Moorings
Weapon: Suicide Bomber
Witnesses: Most witnesses close enough were also blown out the door
Description: Fresh from blowing up Weapon X, Omega Phoenix headed out to underground watering hole "The Moorings" in search of The Lady Dorna. The Lady knew she was an easy target, but her cover job as a barmaid had earned her some favours, and the doorman offered his services as a suicide human shield.
Phoenix paused in the doorway to wipe the rain from his glasses, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 'Omega?' said Doorman John. Omega only had time to nod before the suicide doorman blew himself up with a powerful airsplosion, blowing both of them to their doom in a rain of rubber shrapnel.

With 3 hours of before having to get up for work, your intrepid reporter will have to skimp on style and try to rattle out the details quickly.

Standings - Day 2:
  • 1st: Omega Phoenix - 17 Points - (Dead)

  • 2nd: The Lady Dorma - 17 points

  • 3rd: Rotten Cotton Candy - 16 points

  • 4th: Calamity James - 12 points

  • 5th: The Inspector - 12 Points

  • 6th: Dellamorte - 7 points - (Dead)

  • 7th: Eskimo Kiss - 5 points - (Dead)

  • 8th: Sinister Floozy - 2 points

  • 8th: The Lady Kerosene - 2 points

  • 8th: Scruffy Owl - 2 points

  • 8th: Dakin - 2 points

  • 12th: Weapon XXX - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 13th: Barracuda - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 14th: Sumo Satsuma 2 points - (Dead)

  • 15th: Roots Manouver - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 16th: Vanity Kills - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 17th: Sitting Duck - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 18th: Kitty Cut-Throat - 0 points - (Dead)

I just realised that I can't publish the excommunicator as this would reveal too much information.
Please be aware that you only have 48 hours to kill your target - this is extended by another 48 hours if you kill your target, OR if you are allocated a new target because your original one has perished. Thus certain Assassins might not necessarily be out of the game by Saturday noon.

Finally - many thanks to everybody who has sent photographic evidence. It's hugely appreciated. Apologies for not getting it all online tonight but I have ran out of time. Everything will end up on the website as soon as I can find a moment.

Eleventh Kill
Time of Kill: 10:45 Saturday 28th March 2009
Victim: Sinister Floozy
Killer: Lady Kerosene
Location: Sinister Floozy's Stairwell
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: None
Description: With 75 minutes leff to kill their targets, time was running out for Lady kerosene and Sinister Floozy. Both had made valiant attemps the previous day (details to follow), but fortune hadn't been smiling. Birthday girl Sinister Floozy had hatched an audacious plan to lure her target to their doom and was rushing down the stairs from her flat in the hope of executing it before the noon deadline.
By some strange twist of coincidence it was also Lady Kerosene's birthday - she had a plan of her own, and her target was Sinister Floozy. She arrived inside Floozy's entranceway just as Floozy was coming down the stairs. Kerosene had prepared a box of chocolates full of poisonous snakes, but the chance appearance of Floozy called for a swift change of plan. Ducking beneath the stairs, she waited till Sinister Floozy had passed her before opening fire with a deadly water pistol and bringing an abrupt halt to Floozy's birthday celebrations.

Time of excommunication: 12:00 Saturday 28th March 2009
Victim: Daken
Description: After failing to carry out the task set to him by the Guild of Assassins, Daken was formally excommunicated at 12 noon today. His target has now been assigned to the Assassin who was formerly contracted to kill him.

Twelfth Kill
Time of Kill: 16:30? Saturday 28th March 2009
Victim: Rotten Cotton Candy
Killer: The Inspector
Location: ???
Weapon: Water Grenade
Witnesses: ???
Description: Details pending.

Thirteenth Kill
Time of Kill: Late evening - Saturday 28th March 2009
Victim: The Inspector
Killer: Calamity James
Location: The taxi rank
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: ???
Description: Calamity James knew The Inspector was good. Too good. Hearing reports of his mastery of disguise he knew taking out his target wouldn't be easy. At 9.15 he arrived at Aberdeen's fashionable nightspot Bar Ninety-Nine where he knew several individuals connected to The Inspector would be gathering soon for the birthday of Lady Kerosene. Finding the bar reasonably empty he found a seat by the window with a clear view of the Taxi Rank outside and the door. If his mark entered the building he would know about it. He knew he wouldn't be immediately spotted, however, dressed Incognito in a dark suit jacket with glasses, his identity wasn't immediately obvious. This would only grant anonymity for as long as he remained hidden in the shadows of the bar reading his newspaper, if he advanced on his target his disguise would only buy him seconds, but seconds was all he needed. Seeing several other assassins enter the bar he kept his nerve, even when Scruffy Owl recognised him. A potentially deadly altercation was averted when both Calamity James and Scruffy Owl, both aiming guns at each other, admitted that neither of them were each other's targets. A truce was agreed upon and both parties backed off. As Bar Ninety Nine became more filled with people Calamity James found it had become difficult to see the front door from his seat, so shifted his position so he could see the taxi rank. As luck would have it he immediately spotted The Inspector pulling up in a Taxi! Leaping towards the door he knew time was of the essence. He draped the newspaper over his pistol like a Prohibition-Era Chicago gangster outside a Speak-easy and as The Inspector turned around from paying his driver he was unceremoniously gunned down.

Fourteenth Kill
Time of Kill: Late evening -Saturday 28th March 2009
Victim: Scruffy Owl
Killer: Lady Kerosene
Location: Ninety Nine's
Weapon: Suicide Bomber
Witnesses: ???
Description: Lady Kerosene's birthday banquet in the posh hipster's bar 'Ninety Nine' turned out to be the explosive climax for this drama of destruction. The food was plentyful at her banquet table, but the weaponry was more so. Kerosene felt that an attempt on her life could come at any moment, and was certain that her lightning reflexes would be more than a match for any would-be Assassin.
In an act of ruthless eficiency, Kerosene gunned down one of her birthday guests upon arrival, simply to be sure that she wasn't a suicide bomber. An examination of the water-spattered corpse revealed that there had been no justification for such an extreme action.
Surrounded by her surviving birthday guests, Lady Kerosene was privy to regular updates as to who was entering and leaving the establishment, although it seems she was unaware of the heavily disguised Calamity Jane and Scruffy Owl who had been mingling with the crowds on the lower level.
Scruffy Owl being her target, it is ironic that he spotted Kerosene walking past him on her way back from the bar. He drew his pistol and managed to get right behind her, but fearing that she wasn't the one contracted to kill him, he decided not to risk excommunication by killing her.
Upon leaving the bar for a moment to check on the taxi rank outside, Scruffy Owl went to return but found his path blocked by the doorman. The doorman explained that he had been seen with his weapon drawn, and wouldn't be allowed back into the bar under any circumstances.
As the argument raged, the discguised Scruffy Owl was recognised by one of Kerosene's friends - who alerted the Lady at her banquet table on high.
It's nice to have friends who are prepared to give their lives for you - and Kerosene had just that in the upwardly mobile socialite Claire. With a snap of her fingers, Kerosene beckoned Claire to her side and whispered instructions to her. With little ado, Claire pulled a bomb from under the table and secreted it up her skirt. Struggling to walk with any grace, Claire managed to get down the stairs where she encountered Scruffy Owl who had finally managed to debate his way back into the bar.
Claire didn't waste any time in pulling the airsplosive out from her skirt and detonating it infront of Scruffy Owl. Both perished instantly, along with several innocent party goers in the jam-packed bar.

Fifteenth Kill
Time of Kill: Late evening - Saturday 28th March 2009
Victim: The Lady Kerosene
Killer: Calamity James
Location:Ninety Nine's
Weapon: Water Pistol
Witnesses: ???
Description: Still reeling from the shock of the blast from Lady Kerosene's suicide bomber which had taken out Scruffy Owl, a temporary ally, Calamity James again found himself having to act fast. In the confusion and rubble and screaming he leaped the stairs of Bar Ninety-Nine to find Lady Kerosene, darting behind a few human shields he aimed his gun at her head - but to his surprise she had realised he was her assassin and so she had also raised her weapon! Both Calamity James and Lady Kerosene fired, but only one hit their mark. The dart from Kerosene's crossbow sailed by millimetres over Calamity James' head. He got lucky. The Lady Kerosene, however, was not so lucky. Happy Birthday Lady Kerosene. And Happy Deathday, too.

Standings - Day 3:
  • 1st: Calamity James - 34 points

  • 2nd: Lady Kerosene - 24 points - (Dead)

  • 3rd: The Inspector - 24 Points - (Dead)

  • 4th: The Lady Dorma - 19 points

  • 5th: Rotten Cotton Candy - 18 points - (Dead)

  • 6th: Omega Phoenix - 17 Points - (Dead)

  • 7th: Dellamorte - 7 points - (Dead)

  • 8th: Eskimo Kiss - 5 points - (Dead)

  • 9th: Scruffy Owl - 4 points - (Dead)

  • 10th: Sinister Floozy - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 11th: Weapon XXX - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 12th: Barracuda - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 13th: Sumo Satsuma - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 14th: Dakin - 2 points - (Excommunicated)

  • 15th: Roots Manouver - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 16th: Vanity Kills - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 17th: Sitting Duck - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 18th: Kitty Cut-Throat - 0 points - (Dead)

Mixed reports coming in - Two assassins dead? Wounded? Alive? The jury is out for the time being.

Final Standings (Provisional):
  • 1st: Calamity James - 66 points - (4 Kills)

  • 2nd: The Lady Dorma - 36 points - (2 Kills)

  • 3rd: Lady Kerosene - 24 points - (2 Kills) (Dead)

  • 4th: The Inspector - 24 Points - (2 Kills) (Dead)

  • 5th: Rotten Cotton Candy - 18 points - (2 Kills) (Dead)

  • 6th: Omega Phoenix - 17 Points - (2 Kills) (Dead)

  • 7th: Dellamorte - 7 points - (1 Kill) (Dead)

  • 8th: Eskimo Kiss - 5 points - (1 Kill) (Dead)

  • 9th: Scruffy Owl - 4 points - (Dead)

  • 10th: Sinister Floozy - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 11th: Weapon XXX - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 12th: Barracuda - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 13th: Sumo Satsuma - 2 points - (Dead)

  • 14th: Dakin - 2 points - (Excommunicated)

  • 15th: Roots Manouver - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 16th: Vanity Kills - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 17th: Sitting Duck - 0 points - (Dead)

  • 18th: Kitty Cut-Throat - 0 points - (Dead)

(Points ties have been settled by virtue of time of death)

We Have a Winner!
Congratulations to Calamity James for a thoroughly deserved and well fought win! Please set up and take your place in the Assassins Hall of Fame! ( URL to follow ).

Final totals are provisional, but Calamity James' victory was a mathematical certainty from the moment he killed Lady Kersosene.

Post Mortem:
Huge thanks once again to everybody who helped make this one of the most exciting Assassins games to date! I think it's always worthwhile mentioning that the points table should be taken with a pinch of salt. Several amazing plots were hatched during the course of the game but sadly failed to come to fruition, and some have yet to be mentioned above. Calamity James' missing cat posters were nothing short of legendary, there were some other great glamthrax attempts, a wonderful voodoo doll created by Rotten Cotton Candy, and the Inspector's disguise was inspired to say the least. I'm very much looking forward to hearing details of the mysterious Student Census Suicide Girl's forceful attempt gain access to Calamity James's quarters.It's the audacity, cunning and deadly creativity of these ideas that make the game so magical, and will be remembered much better than the scores.

Booby traps, boxes of poisonous snakes, fake email accounts, bedroom break-ins and a veritable web of lies and deception - so many tales to tell, and I'll try to do so over the next couple of weeks so please check back from time to time if interested.

Special thanks to everybody who submitted extended assassination reports and photographic evidence - and super extra special thanks to Laserbeak Mistress of Murder for agreeing to conduct this symphony of destruction.


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